I Heart You Austin Texas

Wed Sep 30- Denver International Airport – I have a desperate beer craving. I take one look around at the people in the airport and realize that I don’t want beer anymore — due to the lower alcohol content beer in the USA is all fat and no glory. I opt for an awful looking meal at the Wolfgang Puck express. I promised myself I would never eat here again. This is the third time since.

I fly into Austin. It has taken forever from Penticton. I get downtown and head out for a drink. I still have a beer craving and purge previous imagery from my mind. They have 2 kinds of Texas Beer at Maggie Maes on 6th Street: Shiner Bock ($5), and Lonestar ($2). I opt for the Lonestar. It tastes fantastically awful.

I stand on the rooftop patio along with all of 3 other people in the warm breeze listening to a one man cover band belt out blue collar rock. I get a Jameson on the rocks and drop $5 into the musician’s tip jar requesting “Interstate Love Song” by STP. The guy kills it. I go back to the nice-enough, but character lacking hotel that is the Hilton Garden Inn and stay up for another 3 hours thinking about blogging and fiddling with WordPress stuff.

Thurs Oct 1 – I overestimate my ability to get out of bed early and realize that today I actually don’t have to — but only after hitting snooze on the iPhone about 15 times. I pack my stuff and move to my new hotel, The Mansion at Judges Hill which is inconveniently located far from anything interesting. It’s bad planning except for they are nice enough to solve my missing deodorant and contact solution problem at no charge. I settle in and then walk about 3km to Mellow Johnny’s Bike Shop which is owned by Lance Armstrong. The place oozes with Lanceaphanalia including a bunch of Tour de France winning road bikes — no big deal. The girl in the coffee shop is cute.

I get a coffee, update my Twitter, and then spend a bunch of money on Mellow Johnny’s spandex bike apparel. The weather has cleared up a little and I walk back to my hotel in the sauna like heat. I order room service and catch up with Kelly, my coworker in crime. I head out to film some partygoer interviews for Hornitos Tequila at The Speakeasy, then hit the streets for multiple kinds of street meat (tacos/dogs). We catch a pedicab about 25 blocks. Our aging pedicab driver is sweating bullets by the time we get there. We pay him 50 bucks.

Fri Oct 2 – The day starts with me bitter about not having a bike for the Livestrong ride with Lance Armstrong. Wish I was there, but since I can’t be I sleep. I spend most of the day at Cafe Medici near UT Austin, and then have a nap. I head out on the town, pick up my tickets for Devotchka at the LaZona Rosa, but they don’t have food, so I forgo the opening act in favour of eating. I hit up Ranch 616 and have a surprisingly amazing meal with Hawaiian Walu and Ceviche. Is Austin close to an ocean? This fish is really fresh. I’m surrounded at the bar by one Jim-Bob and another Jimmy-Joe. I love Texas! The bartender, Josh (probably short for Jimmy-Josh), buys me a large shot of Don Julio 1942 which is probably one of the smoothest and most expensive tequila’s I have ever had. Jim-Bob, 60-ish but with a full head of curly silver hair, tan leather vest, and bolero, advises me on the finer points of life, Austin, and drinking. He’s given up booze for cranberry/soda (the mixture slightly resembles an alcoholic beverage). I respect the choice, but down a couple more Herradura Silver margaritas and head out to the Devotchka show. They kick ass like only an Eastern Bloc band can. I Leave the show and walk back to the hotel, but stop for a Roppolo’s pizza on the way. Rock on!

Saturday Oct 3 – Wake up late for Austin time, but reasonable for Vancouver time on a Saturday. Want/need coffee but I’m too slow. I have a wristband for Austin City Limits Festival. Only one problem…it previously belonged to someone with much smaller hands. My co-worker in crime and I surgically alter the sophisticated wristband to fit me. It’s impressive. Nobody will know.

Trying to get a cab or a bus from our ridiculously located $300/night hotel proves fruitless. We walk to the ACL fest shuttle. Get to the concert where they give my wristband a good tug — it holds thanks to a very well concealed piece of scotch tape. It’s crazy busy! We check out the Felice Brothers. They rule the stage and seem pumped just to be playing ACL. We also see a random assortment of other cool bands and also some lackluster performances by Grizzly Bear and Canadian rocker Sam Roberts. At some point it starts pouring rain. We’re soaked. We eat tacos — repeatedly. Head back in the rain. End up totally drenched. Hit up Cafe Medici for a cappuccino. It’s a perfect coffee shop day. I go for a jog. Co-worker in crime goes for a nap. Eat dinner. Head out to work the Hornitos Mischieve event at Mohawk.

Sunday Oct 4 – Wake up, pack, get taxi. Taxi doesn’t show. Stupid hotel. I start walking with all my luggage & gear after 40 minutes of waiting. I make it about 7 blocks before I am sweating like a toilet on a hot day. Turns out they called some obscure cab company, “Lonestar.” I wonder how any band or any business from Texas could succeed with a name like Lonestar. I decide to name my future band “Smith.”

I arrive at my new hotel The Driskill after finding a pile of cabs outside another much cheaper hotel. Hmmm. Crash for a bit then pick up my rental bike from Mellow Johnny’s, ride around and then have another nap. Decide to skip Pearl Jam at ACL for some smaller venue entertainment. Eat at Ranch 616 again and then hit up a couple of small venues followed by Halcyon. Have a good chat with the bartenders, but then over a Sazerac Manhattan, end up talking to some crazy former nurse/now bartender dude that tells me a story about a guy who came into the hospital after getting his ball sac caught in a belt sander at work. He was too embarrassed to go to the hospital, so he used a staple gun to put his bits back together. Not so long after this he gets a massive infection and elephantiasis of the testicles. I vomit in my mouth a little. It becomes very clear to me that when you have issues with your genitals, particularly if they are caught in some piece of machinery, do not try to DIY. The Mancode will forgive you on this one.

Monday Oct 5 – I wake up late…again, but I don’t really care. I’m spending an extra couple of days in Austin to make up for much needed time off. I don my new Mellow Johnny’s spandex and call the valet to get my rental bike. I ride all over Austin, but not really sure where exactly. I end up in some hilly suburbs with some pretty amazing houses. It strikes me as strange that in a town with a massive water shortage people all seem to have such nice lawns. Nonetheless the residential architecture in Austin is impressive. Riding these streets is like flipping the pages of Dwell Magazine. I head back into the city to shower and return my bike.

I grab a coffee at Juan Pelota Coffee Shop in Mellow Johnny’s just as the women’s group bike ride is gathering for the evening. I decide to hang out for a few minutes. After ogling fit spandex clad women (sorry, it was difficult not to) I head back to the hotel for a nap before heading out to the South Congress area. My friend Google told me that there’s a great little spot called The South Congress Cafe, so I walk until I find it. My feet are starting to hurt from all of the walking. I really like this place, but don’t have any pictures of it as my iPhone mysteriously crapped out on the way to the restaurant. This forces me to make conversation with the locals like a civilized person. I have a nice meal and a couple glasses of wine before I bid my new friends adieu. I head down the street to the San Jose Hotel bar, an old motel converted into a modern yuppy hotel. I try to order a cocktail, but they only serve beer and wine. I’m starting to like this place even more. Next time I’m staying here! There’s not much happening at this point so I decide to walk back to the Driskill and hit the sack.

Tuesday Oct 6 – My flight is in the afternoon, so I wake up at a reasonable time and make the long trek back to South Congress to sample what is supposed to be Austin’s best coffee at Jo’s Coffee Shop. It’s pretty damn good, and probably one of the coolest coffee shops that I’ve been to. After enjoying my morning coffee street side in the sun I head back to the hotel, pack, eat lunch, and head out to the airport. I pick up a bottle of premium booze on the way for good measure. Alcohol in the US is about 1/2 the price of the equivalent in Canada, so even though I likely don’t need this bottle I deem it worthwhile.

I make it from Austin to Denver to find my plane delayed. Apparently there is a hole in a panel somewhere and it needs to be fixed. The United Airlines flight attendant in-charge tells us she’s not sure why they don’t just replace the plane. I could have been spared those details I think.

I finally arrive in Vancouver only to have a tight 30 minutes to get to my connecting flight home to Penticton. Miraculously, but with a lot of sweat, I make it from arriving gate, through immigration, through baggage claim, baggage check, security, and a horde of slow moving people to my plane. The pilot generously delays the takeoff and opens the door so I can make it home. The entire plane looks at me like I’m some punk idiot that was irresponsibly late for his flight. I flip them all the bird, take my seat and settle in for the noisy bumpy ride back to Penticton. I’ll miss you Austin Texas, but I will be back!